Posted by: littletoe | April 14, 2007

In Memoriam

Around 11:00 this morning I got a call from my son, “Mom, I have some bad news. Sabine died—of lung cancer.” I have that kicked in the gut feeling. It’s hard to breathe.

I met Sabine in Berlin in 1992. She was the girlfriend of my ex-husband’s best friend and army mate. We stayed in Berlin a few days sight-seeing in the city and celebrating the New Year with them. My daughter was born later that year and we stayed in touch maybe once or twice a year when my ex would call.

About five years later, I got a call from her out of the blue. Her husband (the boyfriend in 1992) had moved his girlfriend into their house and informed her that she could stay or go, but the girlfriend was coming to stay. She was crushed. She called, needing an escape, and we invited her to come stay with us in Colorado. It was Christmastime. We had a nice, uneventful visit and she went back home to begin the business of getting a divorce. She was very depressed. She called every once in a while and we would talk. My marriage was on its last legs as well and we were able to commiserate. Not long after her visit, I began divorce proceedings with my ex.

I moved into a new home with my children and we would talk every few months. She fell into some very self-destructive behavior and she would call and confess to me all the terrible things she did. I tried to share Christ with her—I tried to be Him for her. She was cynical about my faith but I had the feeling she craved it, too. She came to visit us in Colorado a couple of times. She really liked it here probably because it was so far away from her problems. The last time she visited, about two and a half years ago, she had met and fallen in love with someone. She was happier and so I heard from her less frequently. The last time I called her was probably about a year ago. She would have turned 48 this month.
So I get this call today. I don’t know when she died. I don’t know how long she was sick. I wonder what happened to her soul, where she is. Before this Catholic thing started happening to me, I’d be pretty sure she was condemned. She wanted God, but always seemed to reject him out of a sense of her unworthiness. She was cynical, almost disdainful with me at times. She never would have answered an altar call. I used to pray and pray for her, that God would get her around some godly Germans (there must be at least a half dozen of them) and SAVE her. So now I’m wondering, since she was baptized, is there hope? Will she just have a long purgatory experience?

I’m just so sad.

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